Toddler Bed Time Wars – Mumma or Dada

As I wrote this post I was lying listening to Baby B crying in his cot. It’s such a heartbreaking sound. As any mother knows, nothing pulls on the heart strings quite like it.

I hate it but I know I have to strong and letting him ride it out. We know that he can self settle, happily, without crying, because he does it………. for his father.

For me, he cries and cries and cries and cries…you get the idea.I’m not sure whether I should be flattered or insulted? Is he crying hysterically because he misses his mother or because he knows I’m a lighter touch then his father & and am much more likely to go in there and cuddle him to sleep?

I can’t believe how different he is for me compared to how he is for his Dad. We carried out an experiment this week. We alternated we put him to bed. We always follow the same bath, milk, story, bed routine but alternated who read the story then did the dreaded placing him into the cot bit.

This is how it goes –Daddy’s turn

1936 – B laid in cot. Starts to cry
1938 – Stops crying, starts saying Dada on repeat
1942 – After 542 Dada’s, shuts his eyes turns on his side and drifts off into a peaceful happy sleepMumma’s turn (tonight as Dada is away working)

1935 – B laid in cot. Starts to cry as his head touches the pillow
1936 – Cry’s get louder & more desperate, interspersed with the occasional ‘mumma’
1938 – Screaming as though he is being forced to watch his beloved matchbox cars being crushed one by one
1942 – Still screaming with sobbing call’s for ‘mumma’
1953 – Crying again now with those, trying to gasp for air, calls of ‘mumma’
2000 – Crying subsiding but calls for ‘mumma’ louder with renewed vigor

2005 – Standing on his pillow crying, voice is now hoarse

2010 – Still standing up hanging over the bars crying and asking where I am in French (he knows that gets my attention)

2013 – I can’t even believe he is still going – crying again now

2022 – Still standing sobbing, just repeating ‘mumma mumma mumma’ over and bloody over again

2030 – Sobbing’s get quieter – I think he might be falling asleep standing up!

2036 – Literally on the dot of an hour after the torture began, the monitor goes off and silence takes over. He is asleep.

There is no win for me here. I am gutted. I feel if I am honest like a complete failure. Why when it is me does Baby B cry like this and get in such a state. I go in and reassure him, I have read the books and I am practising what they breach but this was the worst bed time I have had with him in the whole 23 months he has been with us. It makes me dread when my other half has to go away and it is left to me.

I know we have to get over this but I don’t know how!!

Has anyone else had this problem where their children behaves so different for one parent to the other? Any advice would be so gratefully appreciated.

5 Comments

1. judithkingston

   May 18, 2013

   

   Yes, our toddler settles much more quickly for his Dad than he does for me if there is an issue. At the moment he is very good at going off to sleep, but he goes through spells. If he wakes up in the night, I’ll be sitting next to his bed for HOURS stroking his hair before he is properly asleep. Daddy walks in, strokes his hair once, says: “I’ll be downstairs. Are you ok now?” The Toddler nods and goes back to sleep. Not fair. But I do think it is because they know what we are willing to give and therefore want it every time. They hold out for the best. The Toddler knows Daddy has never and will never sit next to his bed until he is asleep, so he doesn’t ask for it. If I dare to walk out: screaming.

   Rather than fear your other half going away for a while, I’d see it as an opportunity to roll up your sleeves and show your toddler you mean business. I think if you do a few nights in a row you can crack the expectation. It is absolutely horrible listening to the crying, I know. And even worse when you’ve read opponents of crying it out write vivid descriptions of how you are emotionally scarring your child etc. I think there are options though:

   * Find a comfort object or soothing sound to “replace” you – I did my hair stroking to the tunes of a lullaby-singing toy for a few nights and then left him just with the lullabies. The toy goes everywhere with him now and is part of the bedtime routine. The lullabies keep playing for 10 or 20 mins and then just stop. Perfect.

   * You could choose, rather than just leaving the room cold turkey, coming back in at intervals to reassure him in some way that you choose (like stroking his head and saying: “It’s ok, it’s bedtime” or something like that). Never really worked for my son, he’d just get more upset, but it might work for yours!

   * I think if you spend your days reassuring him that he is loved, and you kiss him goodnight with reassurances that everything is okay, and you know that he settles fine for Daddy, then you don’t have to feel guilty about the crying – it sounds to me like he is more angry than genuinely distressed.

   Hope that was helpful advice!

   Reply
   • upallhours

     May 22, 2013

     

     Judith thank you so much. It is indeed very helpful advice.

     I am exactly the same in the night, I will sit and stroke B’s hair until he is in a deep sleep. His father is much more business like about it all. We are going away next week so I have resolved to hit this head on when we return, with my other half, I wonder if him being there with me will stop B from being quite so hard. I like the idea of a comfort object – B has his beloved cow but I might introduce a noise making toy! Thank you again xx

     Reply
2. The Mummy Scripts

   May 21, 2013

   

   YES!! All our three behave differently for us. The twins tend to act up with me – the calling, crying, asking for water, potty you name it. But the older one acts up for Daddy. With me, he is an angel and goes straight to sleep, with Daddy it’s chaos! I think they behave like this for different reasons. The twins are younger and still quite clingy to me – sharing my attention all day they are trying to make a last stand before bed I guess. Older one hardly sees Daddy weeknights so it’s the novelty of having him around and he gets overexcited so mis-behaves.

   With the twins I’ve been quite firm – I go back in every so often when they cry/call out and tell them it’s bedtime and that they need to sleep and that I’m right outside. I don’t like to let them get hysterical – plus disturbs the other two. They go through phases – at the moment bedtime is tough, I have resorted to leaving their bedroom doors open halfway and this seems to settle them and does the trick.

   Good luck, you are not alone!! x

   Reply
   • upallhours

     May 22, 2013

     

     Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It really does help to know it’s not just mine child! You are so right that there are underlying reasons as to why they behave like they do with one parent and different with the other. I have tried being firm with Baby B, but it has made little difference to date – so much so that I have admit to having taken a step back to let his Dad put his to sleep as it is so painless and B doesn’t end up going to sleep distressed.

     I will tackle it again and be strong! Thank you again – it is blooming good to know I am not alone! xx

     PS – Here is me moaning about trying to get one to sleep – you have three! You are amazing! x

     Reply
3. Actually Mummy...

   June 4, 2013

   

   It’s tough at this stage, but yes, they will always treat you differently, and sometimes that will work in your favour. Mine were the same when they were little, but now it’s actually their Dad they run rings round, while they behave pretty well for me. It’s because they’ve learned what to expect from us, and they can predict our behaviour. Eventually you sticking to your guns will teach him that you mean what you say, and life will get easier. Stay strong 🙂

   Reply